Wow, That's Me, Part 2 (of 3)

I want to be able to capture someone's experience and turn it into art, he told me.

Me? Art? No. Not possible. Art is a means of finding and describing beauty. 

When I was young, I cross-dressed out of a desire to be pretty. Never was. I wore what was available to me, raiding closets, then, as an adult, acquiring odd bits of wardrobe. The me I wanted to see in the mirror resented being restricted to second hand clothes. "Don't I deserve better?" 

I fantasized that the clothes might make the woman. I was wrong. I could wear an LBD, but no one was about to mistake me for Audrey Hepburn. (Note to self: Audrey is an impossible role model. No one else gets to be that elegant, that slender, that. . .beautiful.) 

Occasionally, on the periphery of my vision, I'd glimpse a reflection of the real me. Under the wig, the breast forms, the gaffe, the makeup, the outfits that never lost their Goodwill smell. More often, what I saw screamed, "Not good enough!" The ungainly mitts. The swimmer's shoulders. The jawline and brow. I was a sham as a man, and was quite literally a travesty as a woman.

I could never be beautiful. I could certainly never be art.

After I talked with photographer Sam Avery (episode 13), I wanted to work with him. Take him up on his promise of capturing the trans joy and the trans struggle in a safe and understanding setting. Put myself in his capable hands and trust his skill and kindness. Let the result be his art, speaking through my body.

We talked at length about what the goals of the session would be. I said I wanted to portray "strength through vulnerability."  No more hiding; no more half measures. Let the work show me owning my body. It is a queer body. It is a trans body. It is a body that has seen six decades of lived experience, a body punished by me and by nature.

The session was everything Sam promised. I felt utterly comfortable. All insecurity was checked at the door. Sam is working on the material now, and I look forward not only to seeing it, but to sharing it. I'm proud to be part of his effort to capture the trans experience.

As I wait for the results, I am reminded of a line from Sondheim: Pretty isn't beautiful. Pretty is what changes. What the eye arranges is what's beautiful.

I trust that under Sam's careful and caring eye, I will see beauty. I will see me.